The Realities of Grief no one Talks About
Grief is something we all experience at some point, yet we never feel prepared for when the time comes. We often hear comforting clichés like ‘time heals all wounds,’ but the reality of grief is far more complex than we believe it to be. In this post, I want to talk about some of the truths about grief that often go unspoken— the parts that can feel isolating, confusing, and deeply personal.
Grief is not linear, you might wake up one morning feeling a sense of acceptance, only to find yourself overcome with anger or sadness the next day. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong— it means you’re human. When processing the loss of someone or something important to us, we tend to experience the 5 stages of grief; Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While there are no specific time for each stage, grieving also happens at different rates, one person may take a few weeks to experience the first stage and another person may take up to months. Denial often becomes our mind’s first line of defense. It’s the brain’s way of protecting us from the full weight of shock — a temporary shield that says, “This can’t be real.” As the reality of the loss begins to sink in, it’s common for anger to surface. We may feel frustrated, irritable, or anxious while trying to adjust to a world that suddenly feels unfamiliar.
Soon after, bargaining can emerge — that quiet negotiation we make with ourselves or something greater. We might find ourselves thinking, “If I do this, maybe things will feel okay again.” It’s a natural attempt to regain a sense of control in a situation that feels overwhelmingly out of our hands. Following bargaining often comes depression — the stage where we can no longer deny the reality of the loss. The weight of what’s happened begins to settle in, and the emotions that were once held unconsciously start to surface. It’s common during this time to feel a deep sense of sadness, emptiness, or fatigue. Many people find themselves pulling inward, withdrawing from others, and struggling to reach out for support. While this stage can be one of the most difficult to navigate, it’s also a time when connection matters most. Leaning on trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide the comfort and grounding needed to move through the heaviness of grief rather than facing it alone. Lastly comes acceptance, this does not necessarily mean that the pain is no longer there but have learned to move forward with it. You learn to acknowledge the feelings that come with grieving by carrying the memory and love forward with you.
You can also tie in psychological insights— like how emotions fluctuate as the brain processes loss. According to Mary-Frances O’Connor, over time as we experiences the stages of grief, there are neural changes that happens within our brain that tries to catch up with what happened due to the shock. Grief tends to be complicated and every person experiences differently whether it depends on the times it takes to experience each stage and when it is experienced. We also learn how to carry the loss into new experiences which also helps shape who we become (O’Connor, 2022).
Whether you’re grieving a person, a pet, a relationship, a dream, or a version of yourself— your pain is real. Comparison only adds another layer of guilt or shame that doesn’t belong in the healing process. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. The goal isn’t to erase the person or experience we lost, but to carry their memory forward in a new way. Healing means learning to coexist with the absence, not pretending it never existed.
The more we talk about grief — the real, raw, messy parts — the less alone we all feel. If you’re grieving, know that there’s no roadmap you’re supposed to follow. You’re allowed to feel, to heal, and to move forward at your own pace.
References:
Clarke, LPC/MHSP, J. (2023). What to Know About the Five Stages of Grief. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361
O’Connor, PhD, M.-F. (2022). Speaking of Psychology: How Grieving Changes the Brain, with Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/grieving-changes-brain
Supervised by Jennifer Vasquez, PhD, LCSW-S at Inspired Practice LLC
